Post by otep2point0 on Oct 26, 2009 20:24:37 GMT -5
Jem still wasn't feeling very hungry. She hadn't quite regained her appetite. Her stomach was still a bit in knots. But she said none of that to Otep. "If you...feel like cooking. But don't go to any trouble just for me."
Otep looked at her. She wasn't going to say sorry again. It seemed like they were passed begging for forgiveness for something that didnt call for it. She didn't know what else to do at this point but stop and look into her eyes. She didn't feel the need to SAY anything. But she brought Jem into a kiss in the middle of the football field... not caring who saw them. She just needed to show Jem through her actions that it was Jem she wanted and no one else. She broke the kiss and pursed her lips... tasting Jem on them ever so slightly. She just nodded and then continued to walk.
They were well past the saying *sorry* and all that. If she had a dollar for every time one of them had to say sorry sor something, she would be well on her way to being a millionair. When Otep stopped and kissed her she returned the kiss halfheartedly. She still needed some time to be completely ok and over with what happened today. She was still a young girl, she had her moments still.
Otep felt the half-assness of her returned kiss but at least she returned it a little. She kept walking toward the parking lot, glancing at Jem every-so-often. She hated when Jem was angry with her. It felt like she was being punished for something she really didn't do. She wanted to try to at least make her smile. "I wanted to tell you that... Angelina may be a model in front of the camera... but you... your beauty will outshine hers any day... even on your worst days..." she told her. "Remember the potato sack comment? I was being serious... you could make the flu look good. Angelina.. she needs help sometimes." she said shrugging. "You don't need any." she looked at her. "And I'm being real... I'm not trying to suck up." she told her.
She wasn't really upset at Otep. May be she was more upset at herself. She looked over at Otep as she started talking. Telling her how beautiful she was excetra. She shook her head. Normally, she would lik e to hear such things. But ...right now. It wasn't really making her feel better. "She needs help? I don't know...as much as I hate to admit it, she looked pretty damn hot." she frowned.
Otep rolled her eyes. "You havent woken up next to her." she said. "Cruella Devil in the flesh." she told her.
"Yeah...sure." she shrugged.
Otep looked over at her. "Ok... am I being punished here?" she asked her.
"No...." Jem sighed and rubbed her temples. Her head was starting to pound. "It's...been...a really shitty day ok. This was just...not something that helped to make it any better. Ok?"
Otep took a breath in and nodded. "Do you not want to come home with me? If you need... time alone... I understand."
She didn't really feel like going home to her parents house. So, if she didn't go home with Otep she didn't have many other options. "No, it's ok. Beats goign home to my parents."
*Way to make it sound like I'm an obligation* she thought to herself as she looked at Jem and just nodded. "Ok." she said slowly as they finally got to the parking lot.
May be if she told her what else was making this day so bad she would have had a little better understanding for Jem's mood and she'd realize it wasn't all about what had happened in the cafeteria. But Jem hadn't told her, and she wasn't sure she was going to tell her. At least not yet anyway.
Otep wondered if it was really just Angelina that had gotten her in such a rotten mood. She didn't ask. She felt like it was an invasion of privacy. If Jem wanted to tell her she would. But at the moment she would take it as... yeah... Otep fucked up again.
Jem followed her out to the parking lot. She knew she had to eventually tell Otep. She was probably going to find or figure it out sooner or later. But she didn't want Otep feeling guilty or responsible for it.
"Ok uhm... meet me at the house?" Otep asked looking at her. She wondered if it would be ok to kiss her at this point but... hesitated. She leaned over to her and kissed her cheek after whispering. "Smile... you're the reason I live." and then walking over to her own car.
Jem gave her a small smile as she dug her own keys out of her purse. Walking over to her own car and getting in. She sat there putting her purse in the passenger seat and the key in the ignition. Then she pulled out a letter from her purse. It was from the school. Warning her about her grades and how she was in danger of failing some classes, if she didn't pass she was looking at spending her summer....in summer school. Shit. If she were in college, she'd probably be on Academic Probation. She sighed and shoved the letter back into her purse and started her car up. Pulling out.
Otep pulled out and started to go toward the house. She would maybe at least make Jem smile in another way... this time it didn't involve buying her something... but giving her something... something that meant the world to her.
She pulled into the driveway and waited for Jem, leaning against her car.
Jemima was only a few minutes behind Otep. She pulled up behind her car and put her own in park. Taking the keys out she grab her purse dropping them in and getting out of her car. Walking up the drive towards Otep.
Otep gave a crooked smile to her girlfriend and looked at her. "I uh... I have something for you." she said and paused. "But... before you say anything... no... I didn't buy it." she said. "It's something from my heart... something I want you to have because... you're my heart..." she told her. "I was going to wait but it seems like you've had the shittiest day ever... so I want to at least make it a little brighter."
Jem stood there staring at her. What had she done now? She really needed to stop this..constant giving of things. Jem shook her head. "Otep...what the hell have you done now?"
Otep lifted a brow. "No... really I've been wanting to give this to you but... I was trying to wait considering I give you something at least once a day." she kind of chuckled nervously. "But... this is important." she said as she took the keys to her corvette and dangled them in front of her.
Jem cocked her head and stared at Otep. Keys? What? Wait...those were the keys to her corvette. "Otep....those are the keys to your corvette...I can't..take those."
"But you can." Otep said. "And you will." she said. "And it's because I said so... not because I ask you to." she gave her a crooked smile.
"Otep.....this is a car. A very..nice, fast, expensive car. I...can't..." She loved that car. She would love to have a car like that. but she couldn't afford to maintain a car like that. To insure a car like that.
"No... don't say you can't... because you can and you will... and you don't have to worry about it... it's insured and... paid for... anything it needs and I can fix it... you know me and my car infatuation." she told her.
She wasn't going to take no for an answer was she? No, thsi was Otep there was no way she was accepting *no* as a final answer. Jem sighed, and reached out taking the keys from her. "NO more...ok? No more gifts...not..for awhile. You keep t his up..and it's going to lose all meaning."
Otep laughed a little. "Oh shut it... you know you love it..." she gave a smile. "But... no more... for a while." she said. What was a while to Jem? What was a while to Otep? She had no clue, herself.
Jem rolled her eyes. "Yeah...I'm sure that'll last all of what..may be a day.."
Otep smiled at her. "Not sure but uh... yeah." she smiled as she pulled Jem in for a hug. "It's special to me... but it's just going to sit here... so I wanted to at least give it to someone who meant more to me than the car... plus it ain't like I can't drive it..." she smiled. "If it's in your possession I don't have to worry about it.
Jem looked at her. "Oh....who said you got to drive it? It's mine now.." she smirked. "We'll just see about that...whole driving thing."
Otep laughed as she looked at Jem. She thought about asking her what was bothering her but she knew that she hated it when people asked her what was bothering her so she figured Jem would, too. So she just kept quiet. "Ok, come on let's go inside."
Jem nodded, and headed into the house with Otep. Yeah, she'd had a crappy day and unfortunately Otep was getting the brunt of it.
Otep led her into the mansion-like home and smiled as she did so. She loved her new house and it was finally finished -- walls were painted the way she wanted them... all except for the art Jem and otep were both supposed to do on the bedrom wall behind the bed... but that would come in due time. "So this guy came up to me and asked me for my phone number." she paused. "And I asked him what he would use it for and he goes 'to call your sexy ass and ask you out on a date' and I said. 'You must be new here'... then I didn't even have to finish. Larry told the guy I am into girls and happily taken." she laughed. "Do I not have lesbian imprinted on my forehead?"
Jem laughed a little at that. "Yeah, he must have been new. Or he just thinks he's gods gift to women and he can convert you to the other side."
"HA! Not happening." Otep laughed. "Besides... I'm God's gift to women." she said trying to keep a straight face but failing miserably.
"Obviously..." Jem said, showing that she might still be a little bitter over the lunchroom incident.
Otep lifted her brow. "Babe..." she said gently. "Am I seriously being punished over that?" she asked her. She was getting kind of tired of that... she would no longer just grovel at her feet every time she was mad at her unless it was legitimately Otep's fault... otherwise... Jem needed to drop things sometimes.
"Fine....then for now on I'll just look the other way...and you can have little....fun on the side....and I'll just pretend...that nothing is going on. How's that?"
"Babe... are you fucking kidding me? Its the past biting me in the ass and you're going to punish me for it?" she asked her. "No." she said simply. "She came here hoping to get me back and I said what? That I was happy with you and I wouldn't ruin that. Now unless you think otherwise? That was the extent of it. Nothing happened and nothing will ever happen." she said. She was starting to get rather pissed off at this point.
Jem shrugged. "Well that's now...things might change. Might change over the s ummer..." Seeing as how there might be a good chance that Jem would not be joining Otep this summer for Ozzfest or whatever it was because she would be stuck in summer school.
"How the hell could it change over the summer? First of all... I wouldn't fucking dream of it and secondly... you're going to be WITH me this summer." Otep said looking at her. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.
Jem stared her down right back. "I might...NOT be wtih you thsi summer.." she snapped back.
Otep lifted a brow. "What?" she asked her. That kind of hurt. But she didn't know if she meant in a relationship with her or physically with her... and if she meant physically she sort of wanted to know why. But she was sort of shocked quiet.
Jemima reached into her purse and pulled out the letter and thrust it out towards Otep. "I...might be spending my summer...repeating...some of my classes."
Otep took the paper and read it. "But how? You've had the best grades in school since we met!" she said and then her eyes got wide and she looked at her. "Great... another thing that's my fault." she said. Lisa had been going toward the front door when she heard them fighting and decided to not go inside. What was going on?
"I had...average grades. It wasn't like I was in the running for Valictorian(sp) or anything." she took the letter back stuffing it back in her purse. "It's...not your...fault."
"Jemima... to me... you're the smartest girl I know... you had above average grades..." she said shaking her head. When she said it wasn't her fault she shook her head. "No... I didn't push you hard enough... If anything... I took you away from school." she said. "I ruined a lot for you."
Jemima rolled her eyes. "Oh..my gods...that is such crap."
"Crap? Jem..." she said shaking her head. "If it wasn't me... then what was it? You just have no interest in school anymore? What? Fucking help me see what's going on... you push me away when things like this happen and it sucks." she said. "It's like you want me no where near you sometimes and you do everything in your power to drive me away... including punishment for stuff that didn't even have anything to do with me." she said looking at her. "It hurts."
"May be...I have lost interest in school." she shrugged. "I didn't tell you and I wasn't going to tell you about this...because I knew this is how you'd react...."
Otep shook her head. "Yeah well... instead of making me think your whole miserable outlook on the day was my fault... you might have wanted to warn me that something else was bothering you." she said shaking her head and walking toward the back balcony.
"I told you...I had already had a shitty day before that happened...I think that counts as a warning..." she muttered. When Otep walked off she walked off in the opposite direction.
Otep stood out on the balcony for a moment and took a breath. What the hell was going on? Was everything trying to stop them from being happy? Everything? Everyone? What? Did Jem even want them to be happy? It seemed as though things were always Otep's fault no matter what and... she couldn't stand that. And should couldn't help but think that Jem was just... resisting her now... Lisa walked into the house when she heard quietness. "Hey." she said to Jem. "What's going on?"
She looked at Lisa and frowned a little. "Nothing..." she said calmly but in a low almost emotionless monatone voice, as she kept walking. Heading for the door.
Lisa lifted a brow. "Jem..." she called after her. "Wait.." she said as she followed her toward the door. Otep heard what was going on but made no attempt to go in there... no matter how much she wanted to... no matter how much she wanted to just take Jem and hold her and comfort her... it seemed pointless.
Jem paused and stopped. But she didn't turn around. She didn't face Lisa. She couldn't face her.
Lisa went over to her... still standing behind her. "Please... Jem... tell me what's going on?" she asked. "Otep is out there sulking and you're walking away... Lord knows Otep won't open her mouth..." she said and paused, taking a breath. "I can't stand to see you two fighting... you're like the perfect couple and you... you two just seem to be throwing it all away..."
"Perfect? Nothing is perfect...and neither are we..." she crossed her arms and wrapped them around herself. "We ran...into...or rather she ran into...some girl...Angelina? At school.....and...today I found out I may be in summer school...if I don't pass some of my classes."
"You are perfect... for each other... for everything. It's like... you guys are the poster couple for amazing." Lisa remembered Angelina... she remembered how she destroyed Otep. Yeah she knew who she was. "Ok... but did Otep show any signs of going back with her?" she doubted it. Otep hated Angelina with every bone in her body. And Jem mentioned her school. "How about letting Otep tutor you in some of the classes? She may not care much for school but she's a smart girl and she could help." Otep sighed outside as she heard her mother trying to help her. She didn't know why she would't go back inside. Maybe it was because she hated fighting with Jem. She hated it. But every healthy couple fought. She just wished they could be healthy without the fighting. She loved Jem to death but, to her, it felt like Jem wasn't returning any of that love... any of the passion. She wished she could know what was going on besides school... besides Angelina. She wished she knew how to prove to Jem that no other girl would be what Jem is... no other girl could ever come across Otep and tempt her... She just... didn't know how to convince this girl... that nothing would tempt her. Not even the goddess Shiba herself could make Otep question cheating.
Jem listened to Lisa. Get Otep to tutor? She could. But it wasn't like she couldn't do the work in teh classes. She could do it, she just...wasn't doing it. She sighed a bit. "Well...not exactly...but she sure did hesitate before she said or even did anything."
"But did you stop to think about just who this girl was? Angelina pretty much destroyed Otep... Angelina was the reason Otep was Wicked Pimp of the West for a while..." she said. "No one has ever been able to make Otep settle down since her... until you came along." she said. "Do you know that? Did you stop to think that maybe... just maybe... Otep felt all that hurt again when Angelina reared her ugly head?" she asked. "But the truth is... Otep loves you... and only you... she would never even think about cheating on you..." she told her gently. "I think you might want to talk to her about Angelina... instead of blaming her for it." she said to Jem. Otep rolled her eyes. Great... now Jem knew that, yeah... Otep had been hurt before... Wonderful. Now she knew that girls did get to her sometimes... but maybe it was for the best... maybe she needed to know that... maybe she needed to know that Angelina is what destroyed her and that Jem was the one who made her stronger...
"I didn't know who the girl was in the beginning..just some girl..getting right up in Otep's face..and I never said that I blame her...but it is hard to deal with all these...girls ..these blast from the past. So, that makes me the villian then? " she frowned.
Lisa shook her head and put her hand on Jem's shoulder. "Not the villian... just vulnerable. You can't be letting Otep's past get to you... that's just something that will ruin the beautiful thing you two have together..." she said. "That ring? Jem? That ring would never have even been bought a few years ago... for anyone... When Otep told me she was buying you a ring... I think I almost fainted." she said with a smirk. "Because no one... NO ONE... has ever made her want to do something like that -- and guess what? Not even Angelina... made her want to do that." she said gently. "Otep and Ange dated for a couple years... they were inseperable... but then Ange cheated on her multiple times... and left out of the blue for some girl in Florida... clear across the country." she said gently. "But even then... even while they were dating Otep never even thought about marrying her... never even thought about a promise ring!" she said. "But... you... the moment you walked into her life... and she told me about you... I saw the light in her eyes once again... this... life... that she'd been missing since Angelina left." she said. "And I knew... that if you two were to date... Otep's little hook up days were over... She even quit all that drug and alcohol use... to clean up... for you." she told her. "Do you know how hard that was for her?" she asked. "She'd been in rehab once... before you met... but... it only took you to say that you would date her that made her want to be clean again." she said. "No rehab... nothing." said gently. She was trying to get Jem to see just how Otep really felt... how she saw Jem in some godly light... no one has ever made Otep feel that way... and no... not even Angelina... Otep felt a tear stream down her face. She couldn't believe her mother was going to all these lengths to save her relationship with Jem. She was greatful for it. "She used to cut herself, Jem... she used to inflict pain on herself so she couldn't feel anymore... do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like... there was no hope for her... but.. she hasn't touched a razor blade in almost 2 years... and do you know why?" she asked and pointed at Jem. "She doesn't feel the need to... not feel. In fact. She wants to feel..." she said gently. Otep turned around and faced the pool... her cheeks now streaked with tears as they fell. All of these memories.
Jemima had had no intentions of ending this relationship. But this was all too much for one day. It was all too much for her to handle in one day. All this...stuff...this information was a bit more than Jem could handle as well. She looked down at her hand and the ring that was on it. This was like emotional overload.
"Jem... don't leave here right now... Otep's out there... for all I know on that balcony thinking the next worse thing that could happen to her... and she won't say a damn thing... she won't open her mouth..." Lisa said. She was scared. She knew how her daughter thought sometimes... and with Jem walking the other way after a fight... for all she knew Otep could be thinking Jem wanted it to be over...
She still stood there with her back to Lisa. Her arms still crossed. Her fingers were digging into her upper arms. She shook her head. "I'm not...sure I can....not..right..now."
"And why is that?" Lisa asked her curiously. Otep had drowned all of what was going on out... maybe she would go in there. Maybe she... she was a coward. Right now she felt like a coward.
"Because....I...can't..." she had no other explanation than that. May be it her was age. May be she didn't think she was in the wrong here. Maybe it was a lot of things.
Otep came into the room quietly. "Mom... can I... can I please speak to Jem for a moment... alone." Lisa looked back at her daughter and then back to Jem. "Ok." she said as she then walked off and toward her room. Otep was silent for a moment. "Jem..." she stopped herself. "Babe..." she corrected. "Please hear me out."
Jem nodded. She still hadn't turned around. She couldn't. Out of fear of breaking down. She bit down on her lip and her fingers still dug into the skin of her upper arms. She was going to have nice litlte marks left and possible even drawing some blood.
"Angelina today was more of the worst surprise ever." Otep told her. "I was... physically paralyzed the moment I saw her... it was like I saw a ghost. And I couldn't help but not be able to move... I'm sorry that it took me a moment to move or even say anything but you have to know that... Angelina is the one that broke my heart... yes... someone broke my heart..." she said shaking her head as if not wanting to admit it to herself, either. "But... I do not want her back... nor do I want her near me." she said. "The girl is the devil." she said. "And she proved that once more today by pretty much making you hate me." she said as she wiped some tears from her own eyes. "Yeah I probably should have moved away from her sooner but it was just... hard... I couldn't move... My brain was telling me to move but my body wasn't listening. I remember thinking *move out of the way* but nothing in my body had even attempted to move. And it scared the hell out of me... I didn't know what to do... the moment she came close to me... I found my feet." she told her. "I found myself and I told her you were in my life... apparently she thinks she's god or something and she just figured she could have me anyway... and that's not true... no one can... no one but you." she told her. "And I know most of what my mom said probably scared the shit out of you... but it's all true... I was the biggest drug addict in all of the Hollywood and Beverly Hills area... I drank like a fish and yes... I cut myself." she said shaking her head reaching around behind Jem and hugging her. Her scars visible to her. "Maybe you've noticed... maybe you havent. But it's all true. I wish and wish and hope that it was all one big nightmare and that none of it ever happened but... if it didn't... you wouldn't be standing here today... I wouldn't be either." she whispered. "You're my life Jem... and I've told you that before... but now you see just how real that is." she said. "I know you're significantly younger than I am... and I know this is a lot for you... but please hear me when I say I love you... and I mean it." she said. "With every weed of my heart and every bone in my body. You're the reason I'm alive." she told her. "If you weren't here... I don't know where I'd be." she said gently. She leaned in and leaned her head against Jem's. "I don't mean to scare you... And I don't want you to go... but when you walked away I didn't know what to do... my heart screamed to run after you but my head told me to just let you go... And thank god for my mother..." she told her. "Otherwise... I wouldn't be here begging for your forgiveness... apologizing for my past... and groveling." she said. She took a breath and turned Jem to her. She caressed her cheek gently and touched her lips with her thumb then kissed her gently. Her tear-filled eyes begging for her forgiveness. when you walked away I didn't know what to do... my heart screamed to run after you but my head told me to just let you go... And thank god for my mother..." she told her. "Otherwise... I wouldn't be here begging for your forgiveness... apologizing for my past... and groveling." she said. She took a breath and turned Jem to her. She caressed her cheek gently and touched her lips with her thumb then kissed her gently. Her tear-filled eyes begging for her forgiveness.
The thing about it was that Jem did believe her. She believed her about all of it. Everything. But despite that, it was like she could not let it go. She coudln't even explain why that was. She knew she probably owed Otep an apology of her own, but she could not get the words to form in her mind and travel their way down to her lips.
Otep broke the kiss gently and looked into her girlfriend's eyes. "You don't have to forgive me right now... and you don't have to stay if you don't want to... but just listen to me when I say... you're my everything." she told her. "I can't stand the thought of you being gone." she told her truthfully.
Jemima looked back at her. "The thing...is...I do believe you. And...sometimes...people walk away because it's the best thing to do. It doesn't mean t hey're leaving. It just simply means they are removing themselves from the situation before they say or do something they might regret."
Otep understood that. She'd done plenty of walking away. Most of the times she got into the fight first but ended up walking away after... it was the other person that was unable to walk away. Otep looked into Jem's eyes. "Please don't remove yourself from this situation." To Otep, this was the most important situation for her. She just revealed her entire life to Jem and her heart was out on her sleeve.
"What do you want me to say? I...don't know what to say...at this point." she had just had a lot laid out before her. She didn't knwo how to process all that information or what she was supposed to do with it.
"You don't have to SAY anything." Otep said to her. "I just... I don't know what to do, Jem."
"That makes two of us then..because I'm clueless."
Otep looked down. "Well... let's uhm... do something... we'll go somewhere... out... movie... anything... I can't be home right now." she whispered the last part.
That truly put them in a prediciment. Because Jem wasn't sure she felt like going out. "I don't know...I'm all that sure I'm much in the mood for going out."
"Ok... then..." Otep tried to think. "We'll... we'll stay in." she said hesitantly. She looked at Jem. "We can watch a movie in." she said. Then she just sighed. "Or... you can go if you want to."
"Or.." Jem said softly. "How 'bout you get some drinks...we'll go sit by the pool...and...try this...whole talking thing again."
Otep looked back up at her hopefully and smiled. "Ok... what do you want?" she asked her.
"Surprise...me." she said softly and rubbed her temples a bit.
Otep nodded. "Ok..." she said. "Meet me by the pool." she said with a smile and then walked down to the bar. She made a couple of mango margaritas and walked out of the doors and up to the pool. "Here, babe." she said gently as she joined her by the pool.
Jemima had made her way out to the pool. She took her shoes off and sat on the edge of the pool and put her feet in the water. She waited on Otep to return with the drinks. She turned her head and looked up when she heard her. She gave a small smile and took the drink.
"I know I shouldn't have laid all of that on you... especially not all at once." she said, her voice wavering with left over tears.
Jemima took a sip of her mago margirita. She looke at her feet gently swaying back and forth in the water. "Yeah, well, that was...a lot to take in at once."
"And neither my mother nor I should have done that." Otep said. "I think she was just more scared that, if you left... things would be bad." she said and then looked at her as she sipped her drink.
It was things that she probably would have wanted to know about Otep anyway. It would help her understand Otep and know her a bit better. But to just have it all poured out like that. She couldn't processess all that at one time. "She...was..."
Otep nodded. "Yeah... and so was I." she confessed. "But I didn't know what the hell to do..."
She took another sip of her drink before she sat it down next to her. Placing her hands flat on the edge of the pool and still just staring at her feet beneath the water. She had wanted to try talking again, but she still didn't know what to say so she had gotten quite.
Otep looked at Jem. "Babe... please say something?"
"I can't. I can't think of a single...thing to say. There's just...nothing there to come out."
Otep's mouth sort of went dry at that point in time. "Honey." she started but sort of just got quiet after that.
"I"m sorry...it's like..my mind...just...shut down. I don't know...what to say." she shrugged.
Otep looked down at her hands and her drink and huffed a little. "Babe." she said finally. "My past is my past. I am not going back to that lifestyle ever... ever again." she said looking at her. "But, to tell you the truth, I also don't want you to resent me for it." she said.
"I know..that. I do. I believe you." she told her. "I don't...resent you..."
She looked at Jem right in the eye. "Every time someone comes along from my past and tries to get back with me you seem to give me shit for it each and every time... it's like you always think that I'm going to just up and leave you for whatever I did or did not have back then." she said shaking her head. "Babe... I want that to just... end." she said. "I wanna be able to have a girl come up to me, tell me I'm hot, whatever... and not have you be pissed at me for it. I wanna have a girl I dated or hooked up with come up to me and ask me back and you not be pissed at me for it." she said to her as she looked her in the eye. "You're my everything and I'm all yours... and all I want is for you to not be pissed at me..." she said moving closer to her.
"I can't promise that. But..my god. I have never in my life...seen anyone who ever single ex or hook up you run into still be so....I dont know...crazy over you. It'd be really nice...to mix it up. To actually run into someone...who doesn't want to get you back, who isn't trying to hang all over you. Maybe that's selfish, may be that's messed up. But..that's how I feel. Take it or leave it."
"Fine! I'll fucking find anyone who fucking hates me and you can meet all of them!" she said. "Is that enough!?" she asked. At this point, she was losing her mind.
"NO....It wouldn't." she snapped.
Otep huffed and sort of threw her hands up in defeat. "Then I don't know what you want me to do." she said finally. "I'm SO sorry I just happen to be THAT GOOD that YOUR girlfriend is the hottest talk on everyone's lips... YOUR girlfriend is the shit... yes... that's right... the shit." she said. "But I'm just that though... YOURS." she said.
"Maybe that's the problem. Or part of it...NO ONE is that great. Maybe you need to be humbled...and knocked down a few pegs." Now she was getting to the point that she was upset and just saying things...to be hurtful, and not necessairly that she meant.
Otep looked at her. "No one is that great? No... maybe you're just in fucking denial that you have harnessed one of the most wanted bitches on the fucking west coast... and MAYBE just MAYBE in the world... do you think that I'm headed in the right direction? Are you afraid that YOU have the power now? YOU have the fucking whip to tame the beast that is Otep?" she asked her. "Or are you just pissed off at the fact that, yes... I am the best?" she asked. She was calm throughout this whole rant and never once raised her voice. She would have walked away by now if she didn't care that Jem would have left. The old her would have given two shits. But Otep now... she cared whether or not she kept her sanity, her ego AND her girlfriend... yes she wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.
Jem rolled her eyes. "GET OVER YOURSELF." she muttered and pulled her feet out of the pool. 'Don't knwo why you need a girlfirend when you obviously think highly of yourself. You should be plenty of compoany for yourself. That ego....doesn't leave much for anyone else."
Otep rolled her eyes. "Jem... forget the fucking ego... I just don't know what you want me to say." she said. "But I'm not going to grovel at your feet for everything I've ever done in my life... and I won't be treated like a dog, either." she said. "Isn't enough that I'm on a proverbial leash now? A leash with you and only you holding the other end of it?" she asked. "Maybe you need to stop and think for a moment." she said. "I'm not some little bitch that's going to bow down forever... I may be pussy whipped but for fuck's sake." she said shaking her head. "You had to know I wouldn't take it for that much longer." she said looking at her. "Now fucking get over it... and I'll get over myself... and we can all just be fucking happy." she said as she just pulled Jem to her kissing her passionately as if it were their first ever kiss. She put all the heat in the arguement and the love and lust within herself into this kiss... hoping just hoping it would be like the movies where the couple either had a hot makeout session after an arguement or some intense after-fight sex... though she knew this wasn't the movies and that Jem would probably push her off... she just hoped that, when she did, she wouldn't end up in the pool.
A leash? Well maybe she needed to take her off that leash. She didn't even recall putting her on a leash. SHe looked at Otep. Despite knowing her and despite knowing her meaning nad intentions behind the words that she said, she was a bit miffed stiff. "Then how about I take that leas off, and let go? i don't even rember putting you on a leash. May be...we need more time apart.?" she looked at her. "I'll get back into dancing more..you do..whatever you do when I'm not here. Maybe we're...having too much...time together." But soon her words and thoughts were being cut off. She was pulled into Otep's arms and was being kissed. She resisted returning those kisses in the beginning. But slowly began to give in to them.
Otep looked at her. She wasn't going to say sorry again. It seemed like they were passed begging for forgiveness for something that didnt call for it. She didn't know what else to do at this point but stop and look into her eyes. She didn't feel the need to SAY anything. But she brought Jem into a kiss in the middle of the football field... not caring who saw them. She just needed to show Jem through her actions that it was Jem she wanted and no one else. She broke the kiss and pursed her lips... tasting Jem on them ever so slightly. She just nodded and then continued to walk.
They were well past the saying *sorry* and all that. If she had a dollar for every time one of them had to say sorry sor something, she would be well on her way to being a millionair. When Otep stopped and kissed her she returned the kiss halfheartedly. She still needed some time to be completely ok and over with what happened today. She was still a young girl, she had her moments still.
Otep felt the half-assness of her returned kiss but at least she returned it a little. She kept walking toward the parking lot, glancing at Jem every-so-often. She hated when Jem was angry with her. It felt like she was being punished for something she really didn't do. She wanted to try to at least make her smile. "I wanted to tell you that... Angelina may be a model in front of the camera... but you... your beauty will outshine hers any day... even on your worst days..." she told her. "Remember the potato sack comment? I was being serious... you could make the flu look good. Angelina.. she needs help sometimes." she said shrugging. "You don't need any." she looked at her. "And I'm being real... I'm not trying to suck up." she told her.
She wasn't really upset at Otep. May be she was more upset at herself. She looked over at Otep as she started talking. Telling her how beautiful she was excetra. She shook her head. Normally, she would lik e to hear such things. But ...right now. It wasn't really making her feel better. "She needs help? I don't know...as much as I hate to admit it, she looked pretty damn hot." she frowned.
Otep rolled her eyes. "You havent woken up next to her." she said. "Cruella Devil in the flesh." she told her.
"Yeah...sure." she shrugged.
Otep looked over at her. "Ok... am I being punished here?" she asked her.
"No...." Jem sighed and rubbed her temples. Her head was starting to pound. "It's...been...a really shitty day ok. This was just...not something that helped to make it any better. Ok?"
Otep took a breath in and nodded. "Do you not want to come home with me? If you need... time alone... I understand."
She didn't really feel like going home to her parents house. So, if she didn't go home with Otep she didn't have many other options. "No, it's ok. Beats goign home to my parents."
*Way to make it sound like I'm an obligation* she thought to herself as she looked at Jem and just nodded. "Ok." she said slowly as they finally got to the parking lot.
May be if she told her what else was making this day so bad she would have had a little better understanding for Jem's mood and she'd realize it wasn't all about what had happened in the cafeteria. But Jem hadn't told her, and she wasn't sure she was going to tell her. At least not yet anyway.
Otep wondered if it was really just Angelina that had gotten her in such a rotten mood. She didn't ask. She felt like it was an invasion of privacy. If Jem wanted to tell her she would. But at the moment she would take it as... yeah... Otep fucked up again.
Jem followed her out to the parking lot. She knew she had to eventually tell Otep. She was probably going to find or figure it out sooner or later. But she didn't want Otep feeling guilty or responsible for it.
"Ok uhm... meet me at the house?" Otep asked looking at her. She wondered if it would be ok to kiss her at this point but... hesitated. She leaned over to her and kissed her cheek after whispering. "Smile... you're the reason I live." and then walking over to her own car.
Jem gave her a small smile as she dug her own keys out of her purse. Walking over to her own car and getting in. She sat there putting her purse in the passenger seat and the key in the ignition. Then she pulled out a letter from her purse. It was from the school. Warning her about her grades and how she was in danger of failing some classes, if she didn't pass she was looking at spending her summer....in summer school. Shit. If she were in college, she'd probably be on Academic Probation. She sighed and shoved the letter back into her purse and started her car up. Pulling out.
Otep pulled out and started to go toward the house. She would maybe at least make Jem smile in another way... this time it didn't involve buying her something... but giving her something... something that meant the world to her.
She pulled into the driveway and waited for Jem, leaning against her car.
Jemima was only a few minutes behind Otep. She pulled up behind her car and put her own in park. Taking the keys out she grab her purse dropping them in and getting out of her car. Walking up the drive towards Otep.
Otep gave a crooked smile to her girlfriend and looked at her. "I uh... I have something for you." she said and paused. "But... before you say anything... no... I didn't buy it." she said. "It's something from my heart... something I want you to have because... you're my heart..." she told her. "I was going to wait but it seems like you've had the shittiest day ever... so I want to at least make it a little brighter."
Jem stood there staring at her. What had she done now? She really needed to stop this..constant giving of things. Jem shook her head. "Otep...what the hell have you done now?"
Otep lifted a brow. "No... really I've been wanting to give this to you but... I was trying to wait considering I give you something at least once a day." she kind of chuckled nervously. "But... this is important." she said as she took the keys to her corvette and dangled them in front of her.
Jem cocked her head and stared at Otep. Keys? What? Wait...those were the keys to her corvette. "Otep....those are the keys to your corvette...I can't..take those."
"But you can." Otep said. "And you will." she said. "And it's because I said so... not because I ask you to." she gave her a crooked smile.
"Otep.....this is a car. A very..nice, fast, expensive car. I...can't..." She loved that car. She would love to have a car like that. but she couldn't afford to maintain a car like that. To insure a car like that.
"No... don't say you can't... because you can and you will... and you don't have to worry about it... it's insured and... paid for... anything it needs and I can fix it... you know me and my car infatuation." she told her.
She wasn't going to take no for an answer was she? No, thsi was Otep there was no way she was accepting *no* as a final answer. Jem sighed, and reached out taking the keys from her. "NO more...ok? No more gifts...not..for awhile. You keep t his up..and it's going to lose all meaning."
Otep laughed a little. "Oh shut it... you know you love it..." she gave a smile. "But... no more... for a while." she said. What was a while to Jem? What was a while to Otep? She had no clue, herself.
Jem rolled her eyes. "Yeah...I'm sure that'll last all of what..may be a day.."
Otep smiled at her. "Not sure but uh... yeah." she smiled as she pulled Jem in for a hug. "It's special to me... but it's just going to sit here... so I wanted to at least give it to someone who meant more to me than the car... plus it ain't like I can't drive it..." she smiled. "If it's in your possession I don't have to worry about it.
Jem looked at her. "Oh....who said you got to drive it? It's mine now.." she smirked. "We'll just see about that...whole driving thing."
Otep laughed as she looked at Jem. She thought about asking her what was bothering her but she knew that she hated it when people asked her what was bothering her so she figured Jem would, too. So she just kept quiet. "Ok, come on let's go inside."
Jem nodded, and headed into the house with Otep. Yeah, she'd had a crappy day and unfortunately Otep was getting the brunt of it.
Otep led her into the mansion-like home and smiled as she did so. She loved her new house and it was finally finished -- walls were painted the way she wanted them... all except for the art Jem and otep were both supposed to do on the bedrom wall behind the bed... but that would come in due time. "So this guy came up to me and asked me for my phone number." she paused. "And I asked him what he would use it for and he goes 'to call your sexy ass and ask you out on a date' and I said. 'You must be new here'... then I didn't even have to finish. Larry told the guy I am into girls and happily taken." she laughed. "Do I not have lesbian imprinted on my forehead?"
Jem laughed a little at that. "Yeah, he must have been new. Or he just thinks he's gods gift to women and he can convert you to the other side."
"HA! Not happening." Otep laughed. "Besides... I'm God's gift to women." she said trying to keep a straight face but failing miserably.
"Obviously..." Jem said, showing that she might still be a little bitter over the lunchroom incident.
Otep lifted her brow. "Babe..." she said gently. "Am I seriously being punished over that?" she asked her. She was getting kind of tired of that... she would no longer just grovel at her feet every time she was mad at her unless it was legitimately Otep's fault... otherwise... Jem needed to drop things sometimes.
"Fine....then for now on I'll just look the other way...and you can have little....fun on the side....and I'll just pretend...that nothing is going on. How's that?"
"Babe... are you fucking kidding me? Its the past biting me in the ass and you're going to punish me for it?" she asked her. "No." she said simply. "She came here hoping to get me back and I said what? That I was happy with you and I wouldn't ruin that. Now unless you think otherwise? That was the extent of it. Nothing happened and nothing will ever happen." she said. She was starting to get rather pissed off at this point.
Jem shrugged. "Well that's now...things might change. Might change over the s ummer..." Seeing as how there might be a good chance that Jem would not be joining Otep this summer for Ozzfest or whatever it was because she would be stuck in summer school.
"How the hell could it change over the summer? First of all... I wouldn't fucking dream of it and secondly... you're going to be WITH me this summer." Otep said looking at her. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.
Jem stared her down right back. "I might...NOT be wtih you thsi summer.." she snapped back.
Otep lifted a brow. "What?" she asked her. That kind of hurt. But she didn't know if she meant in a relationship with her or physically with her... and if she meant physically she sort of wanted to know why. But she was sort of shocked quiet.
Jemima reached into her purse and pulled out the letter and thrust it out towards Otep. "I...might be spending my summer...repeating...some of my classes."
Otep took the paper and read it. "But how? You've had the best grades in school since we met!" she said and then her eyes got wide and she looked at her. "Great... another thing that's my fault." she said. Lisa had been going toward the front door when she heard them fighting and decided to not go inside. What was going on?
"I had...average grades. It wasn't like I was in the running for Valictorian(sp) or anything." she took the letter back stuffing it back in her purse. "It's...not your...fault."
"Jemima... to me... you're the smartest girl I know... you had above average grades..." she said shaking her head. When she said it wasn't her fault she shook her head. "No... I didn't push you hard enough... If anything... I took you away from school." she said. "I ruined a lot for you."
Jemima rolled her eyes. "Oh..my gods...that is such crap."
"Crap? Jem..." she said shaking her head. "If it wasn't me... then what was it? You just have no interest in school anymore? What? Fucking help me see what's going on... you push me away when things like this happen and it sucks." she said. "It's like you want me no where near you sometimes and you do everything in your power to drive me away... including punishment for stuff that didn't even have anything to do with me." she said looking at her. "It hurts."
"May be...I have lost interest in school." she shrugged. "I didn't tell you and I wasn't going to tell you about this...because I knew this is how you'd react...."
Otep shook her head. "Yeah well... instead of making me think your whole miserable outlook on the day was my fault... you might have wanted to warn me that something else was bothering you." she said shaking her head and walking toward the back balcony.
"I told you...I had already had a shitty day before that happened...I think that counts as a warning..." she muttered. When Otep walked off she walked off in the opposite direction.
Otep stood out on the balcony for a moment and took a breath. What the hell was going on? Was everything trying to stop them from being happy? Everything? Everyone? What? Did Jem even want them to be happy? It seemed as though things were always Otep's fault no matter what and... she couldn't stand that. And should couldn't help but think that Jem was just... resisting her now... Lisa walked into the house when she heard quietness. "Hey." she said to Jem. "What's going on?"
She looked at Lisa and frowned a little. "Nothing..." she said calmly but in a low almost emotionless monatone voice, as she kept walking. Heading for the door.
Lisa lifted a brow. "Jem..." she called after her. "Wait.." she said as she followed her toward the door. Otep heard what was going on but made no attempt to go in there... no matter how much she wanted to... no matter how much she wanted to just take Jem and hold her and comfort her... it seemed pointless.
Jem paused and stopped. But she didn't turn around. She didn't face Lisa. She couldn't face her.
Lisa went over to her... still standing behind her. "Please... Jem... tell me what's going on?" she asked. "Otep is out there sulking and you're walking away... Lord knows Otep won't open her mouth..." she said and paused, taking a breath. "I can't stand to see you two fighting... you're like the perfect couple and you... you two just seem to be throwing it all away..."
"Perfect? Nothing is perfect...and neither are we..." she crossed her arms and wrapped them around herself. "We ran...into...or rather she ran into...some girl...Angelina? At school.....and...today I found out I may be in summer school...if I don't pass some of my classes."
"You are perfect... for each other... for everything. It's like... you guys are the poster couple for amazing." Lisa remembered Angelina... she remembered how she destroyed Otep. Yeah she knew who she was. "Ok... but did Otep show any signs of going back with her?" she doubted it. Otep hated Angelina with every bone in her body. And Jem mentioned her school. "How about letting Otep tutor you in some of the classes? She may not care much for school but she's a smart girl and she could help." Otep sighed outside as she heard her mother trying to help her. She didn't know why she would't go back inside. Maybe it was because she hated fighting with Jem. She hated it. But every healthy couple fought. She just wished they could be healthy without the fighting. She loved Jem to death but, to her, it felt like Jem wasn't returning any of that love... any of the passion. She wished she could know what was going on besides school... besides Angelina. She wished she knew how to prove to Jem that no other girl would be what Jem is... no other girl could ever come across Otep and tempt her... She just... didn't know how to convince this girl... that nothing would tempt her. Not even the goddess Shiba herself could make Otep question cheating.
Jem listened to Lisa. Get Otep to tutor? She could. But it wasn't like she couldn't do the work in teh classes. She could do it, she just...wasn't doing it. She sighed a bit. "Well...not exactly...but she sure did hesitate before she said or even did anything."
"But did you stop to think about just who this girl was? Angelina pretty much destroyed Otep... Angelina was the reason Otep was Wicked Pimp of the West for a while..." she said. "No one has ever been able to make Otep settle down since her... until you came along." she said. "Do you know that? Did you stop to think that maybe... just maybe... Otep felt all that hurt again when Angelina reared her ugly head?" she asked. "But the truth is... Otep loves you... and only you... she would never even think about cheating on you..." she told her gently. "I think you might want to talk to her about Angelina... instead of blaming her for it." she said to Jem. Otep rolled her eyes. Great... now Jem knew that, yeah... Otep had been hurt before... Wonderful. Now she knew that girls did get to her sometimes... but maybe it was for the best... maybe she needed to know that... maybe she needed to know that Angelina is what destroyed her and that Jem was the one who made her stronger...
"I didn't know who the girl was in the beginning..just some girl..getting right up in Otep's face..and I never said that I blame her...but it is hard to deal with all these...girls ..these blast from the past. So, that makes me the villian then? " she frowned.
Lisa shook her head and put her hand on Jem's shoulder. "Not the villian... just vulnerable. You can't be letting Otep's past get to you... that's just something that will ruin the beautiful thing you two have together..." she said. "That ring? Jem? That ring would never have even been bought a few years ago... for anyone... When Otep told me she was buying you a ring... I think I almost fainted." she said with a smirk. "Because no one... NO ONE... has ever made her want to do something like that -- and guess what? Not even Angelina... made her want to do that." she said gently. "Otep and Ange dated for a couple years... they were inseperable... but then Ange cheated on her multiple times... and left out of the blue for some girl in Florida... clear across the country." she said gently. "But even then... even while they were dating Otep never even thought about marrying her... never even thought about a promise ring!" she said. "But... you... the moment you walked into her life... and she told me about you... I saw the light in her eyes once again... this... life... that she'd been missing since Angelina left." she said. "And I knew... that if you two were to date... Otep's little hook up days were over... She even quit all that drug and alcohol use... to clean up... for you." she told her. "Do you know how hard that was for her?" she asked. "She'd been in rehab once... before you met... but... it only took you to say that you would date her that made her want to be clean again." she said. "No rehab... nothing." said gently. She was trying to get Jem to see just how Otep really felt... how she saw Jem in some godly light... no one has ever made Otep feel that way... and no... not even Angelina... Otep felt a tear stream down her face. She couldn't believe her mother was going to all these lengths to save her relationship with Jem. She was greatful for it. "She used to cut herself, Jem... she used to inflict pain on herself so she couldn't feel anymore... do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like... there was no hope for her... but.. she hasn't touched a razor blade in almost 2 years... and do you know why?" she asked and pointed at Jem. "She doesn't feel the need to... not feel. In fact. She wants to feel..." she said gently. Otep turned around and faced the pool... her cheeks now streaked with tears as they fell. All of these memories.
Jemima had had no intentions of ending this relationship. But this was all too much for one day. It was all too much for her to handle in one day. All this...stuff...this information was a bit more than Jem could handle as well. She looked down at her hand and the ring that was on it. This was like emotional overload.
"Jem... don't leave here right now... Otep's out there... for all I know on that balcony thinking the next worse thing that could happen to her... and she won't say a damn thing... she won't open her mouth..." Lisa said. She was scared. She knew how her daughter thought sometimes... and with Jem walking the other way after a fight... for all she knew Otep could be thinking Jem wanted it to be over...
She still stood there with her back to Lisa. Her arms still crossed. Her fingers were digging into her upper arms. She shook her head. "I'm not...sure I can....not..right..now."
"And why is that?" Lisa asked her curiously. Otep had drowned all of what was going on out... maybe she would go in there. Maybe she... she was a coward. Right now she felt like a coward.
"Because....I...can't..." she had no other explanation than that. May be it her was age. May be she didn't think she was in the wrong here. Maybe it was a lot of things.
Otep came into the room quietly. "Mom... can I... can I please speak to Jem for a moment... alone." Lisa looked back at her daughter and then back to Jem. "Ok." she said as she then walked off and toward her room. Otep was silent for a moment. "Jem..." she stopped herself. "Babe..." she corrected. "Please hear me out."
Jem nodded. She still hadn't turned around. She couldn't. Out of fear of breaking down. She bit down on her lip and her fingers still dug into the skin of her upper arms. She was going to have nice litlte marks left and possible even drawing some blood.
"Angelina today was more of the worst surprise ever." Otep told her. "I was... physically paralyzed the moment I saw her... it was like I saw a ghost. And I couldn't help but not be able to move... I'm sorry that it took me a moment to move or even say anything but you have to know that... Angelina is the one that broke my heart... yes... someone broke my heart..." she said shaking her head as if not wanting to admit it to herself, either. "But... I do not want her back... nor do I want her near me." she said. "The girl is the devil." she said. "And she proved that once more today by pretty much making you hate me." she said as she wiped some tears from her own eyes. "Yeah I probably should have moved away from her sooner but it was just... hard... I couldn't move... My brain was telling me to move but my body wasn't listening. I remember thinking *move out of the way* but nothing in my body had even attempted to move. And it scared the hell out of me... I didn't know what to do... the moment she came close to me... I found my feet." she told her. "I found myself and I told her you were in my life... apparently she thinks she's god or something and she just figured she could have me anyway... and that's not true... no one can... no one but you." she told her. "And I know most of what my mom said probably scared the shit out of you... but it's all true... I was the biggest drug addict in all of the Hollywood and Beverly Hills area... I drank like a fish and yes... I cut myself." she said shaking her head reaching around behind Jem and hugging her. Her scars visible to her. "Maybe you've noticed... maybe you havent. But it's all true. I wish and wish and hope that it was all one big nightmare and that none of it ever happened but... if it didn't... you wouldn't be standing here today... I wouldn't be either." she whispered. "You're my life Jem... and I've told you that before... but now you see just how real that is." she said. "I know you're significantly younger than I am... and I know this is a lot for you... but please hear me when I say I love you... and I mean it." she said. "With every weed of my heart and every bone in my body. You're the reason I'm alive." she told her. "If you weren't here... I don't know where I'd be." she said gently. She leaned in and leaned her head against Jem's. "I don't mean to scare you... And I don't want you to go... but when you walked away I didn't know what to do... my heart screamed to run after you but my head told me to just let you go... And thank god for my mother..." she told her. "Otherwise... I wouldn't be here begging for your forgiveness... apologizing for my past... and groveling." she said. She took a breath and turned Jem to her. She caressed her cheek gently and touched her lips with her thumb then kissed her gently. Her tear-filled eyes begging for her forgiveness. when you walked away I didn't know what to do... my heart screamed to run after you but my head told me to just let you go... And thank god for my mother..." she told her. "Otherwise... I wouldn't be here begging for your forgiveness... apologizing for my past... and groveling." she said. She took a breath and turned Jem to her. She caressed her cheek gently and touched her lips with her thumb then kissed her gently. Her tear-filled eyes begging for her forgiveness.
The thing about it was that Jem did believe her. She believed her about all of it. Everything. But despite that, it was like she could not let it go. She coudln't even explain why that was. She knew she probably owed Otep an apology of her own, but she could not get the words to form in her mind and travel their way down to her lips.
Otep broke the kiss gently and looked into her girlfriend's eyes. "You don't have to forgive me right now... and you don't have to stay if you don't want to... but just listen to me when I say... you're my everything." she told her. "I can't stand the thought of you being gone." she told her truthfully.
Jemima looked back at her. "The thing...is...I do believe you. And...sometimes...people walk away because it's the best thing to do. It doesn't mean t hey're leaving. It just simply means they are removing themselves from the situation before they say or do something they might regret."
Otep understood that. She'd done plenty of walking away. Most of the times she got into the fight first but ended up walking away after... it was the other person that was unable to walk away. Otep looked into Jem's eyes. "Please don't remove yourself from this situation." To Otep, this was the most important situation for her. She just revealed her entire life to Jem and her heart was out on her sleeve.
"What do you want me to say? I...don't know what to say...at this point." she had just had a lot laid out before her. She didn't knwo how to process all that information or what she was supposed to do with it.
"You don't have to SAY anything." Otep said to her. "I just... I don't know what to do, Jem."
"That makes two of us then..because I'm clueless."
Otep looked down. "Well... let's uhm... do something... we'll go somewhere... out... movie... anything... I can't be home right now." she whispered the last part.
That truly put them in a prediciment. Because Jem wasn't sure she felt like going out. "I don't know...I'm all that sure I'm much in the mood for going out."
"Ok... then..." Otep tried to think. "We'll... we'll stay in." she said hesitantly. She looked at Jem. "We can watch a movie in." she said. Then she just sighed. "Or... you can go if you want to."
"Or.." Jem said softly. "How 'bout you get some drinks...we'll go sit by the pool...and...try this...whole talking thing again."
Otep looked back up at her hopefully and smiled. "Ok... what do you want?" she asked her.
"Surprise...me." she said softly and rubbed her temples a bit.
Otep nodded. "Ok..." she said. "Meet me by the pool." she said with a smile and then walked down to the bar. She made a couple of mango margaritas and walked out of the doors and up to the pool. "Here, babe." she said gently as she joined her by the pool.
Jemima had made her way out to the pool. She took her shoes off and sat on the edge of the pool and put her feet in the water. She waited on Otep to return with the drinks. She turned her head and looked up when she heard her. She gave a small smile and took the drink.
"I know I shouldn't have laid all of that on you... especially not all at once." she said, her voice wavering with left over tears.
Jemima took a sip of her mago margirita. She looke at her feet gently swaying back and forth in the water. "Yeah, well, that was...a lot to take in at once."
"And neither my mother nor I should have done that." Otep said. "I think she was just more scared that, if you left... things would be bad." she said and then looked at her as she sipped her drink.
It was things that she probably would have wanted to know about Otep anyway. It would help her understand Otep and know her a bit better. But to just have it all poured out like that. She couldn't processess all that at one time. "She...was..."
Otep nodded. "Yeah... and so was I." she confessed. "But I didn't know what the hell to do..."
She took another sip of her drink before she sat it down next to her. Placing her hands flat on the edge of the pool and still just staring at her feet beneath the water. She had wanted to try talking again, but she still didn't know what to say so she had gotten quite.
Otep looked at Jem. "Babe... please say something?"
"I can't. I can't think of a single...thing to say. There's just...nothing there to come out."
Otep's mouth sort of went dry at that point in time. "Honey." she started but sort of just got quiet after that.
"I"m sorry...it's like..my mind...just...shut down. I don't know...what to say." she shrugged.
Otep looked down at her hands and her drink and huffed a little. "Babe." she said finally. "My past is my past. I am not going back to that lifestyle ever... ever again." she said looking at her. "But, to tell you the truth, I also don't want you to resent me for it." she said.
"I know..that. I do. I believe you." she told her. "I don't...resent you..."
She looked at Jem right in the eye. "Every time someone comes along from my past and tries to get back with me you seem to give me shit for it each and every time... it's like you always think that I'm going to just up and leave you for whatever I did or did not have back then." she said shaking her head. "Babe... I want that to just... end." she said. "I wanna be able to have a girl come up to me, tell me I'm hot, whatever... and not have you be pissed at me for it. I wanna have a girl I dated or hooked up with come up to me and ask me back and you not be pissed at me for it." she said to her as she looked her in the eye. "You're my everything and I'm all yours... and all I want is for you to not be pissed at me..." she said moving closer to her.
"I can't promise that. But..my god. I have never in my life...seen anyone who ever single ex or hook up you run into still be so....I dont know...crazy over you. It'd be really nice...to mix it up. To actually run into someone...who doesn't want to get you back, who isn't trying to hang all over you. Maybe that's selfish, may be that's messed up. But..that's how I feel. Take it or leave it."
"Fine! I'll fucking find anyone who fucking hates me and you can meet all of them!" she said. "Is that enough!?" she asked. At this point, she was losing her mind.
"NO....It wouldn't." she snapped.
Otep huffed and sort of threw her hands up in defeat. "Then I don't know what you want me to do." she said finally. "I'm SO sorry I just happen to be THAT GOOD that YOUR girlfriend is the hottest talk on everyone's lips... YOUR girlfriend is the shit... yes... that's right... the shit." she said. "But I'm just that though... YOURS." she said.
"Maybe that's the problem. Or part of it...NO ONE is that great. Maybe you need to be humbled...and knocked down a few pegs." Now she was getting to the point that she was upset and just saying things...to be hurtful, and not necessairly that she meant.
Otep looked at her. "No one is that great? No... maybe you're just in fucking denial that you have harnessed one of the most wanted bitches on the fucking west coast... and MAYBE just MAYBE in the world... do you think that I'm headed in the right direction? Are you afraid that YOU have the power now? YOU have the fucking whip to tame the beast that is Otep?" she asked her. "Or are you just pissed off at the fact that, yes... I am the best?" she asked. She was calm throughout this whole rant and never once raised her voice. She would have walked away by now if she didn't care that Jem would have left. The old her would have given two shits. But Otep now... she cared whether or not she kept her sanity, her ego AND her girlfriend... yes she wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.
Jem rolled her eyes. "GET OVER YOURSELF." she muttered and pulled her feet out of the pool. 'Don't knwo why you need a girlfirend when you obviously think highly of yourself. You should be plenty of compoany for yourself. That ego....doesn't leave much for anyone else."
Otep rolled her eyes. "Jem... forget the fucking ego... I just don't know what you want me to say." she said. "But I'm not going to grovel at your feet for everything I've ever done in my life... and I won't be treated like a dog, either." she said. "Isn't enough that I'm on a proverbial leash now? A leash with you and only you holding the other end of it?" she asked. "Maybe you need to stop and think for a moment." she said. "I'm not some little bitch that's going to bow down forever... I may be pussy whipped but for fuck's sake." she said shaking her head. "You had to know I wouldn't take it for that much longer." she said looking at her. "Now fucking get over it... and I'll get over myself... and we can all just be fucking happy." she said as she just pulled Jem to her kissing her passionately as if it were their first ever kiss. She put all the heat in the arguement and the love and lust within herself into this kiss... hoping just hoping it would be like the movies where the couple either had a hot makeout session after an arguement or some intense after-fight sex... though she knew this wasn't the movies and that Jem would probably push her off... she just hoped that, when she did, she wouldn't end up in the pool.
A leash? Well maybe she needed to take her off that leash. She didn't even recall putting her on a leash. SHe looked at Otep. Despite knowing her and despite knowing her meaning nad intentions behind the words that she said, she was a bit miffed stiff. "Then how about I take that leas off, and let go? i don't even rember putting you on a leash. May be...we need more time apart.?" she looked at her. "I'll get back into dancing more..you do..whatever you do when I'm not here. Maybe we're...having too much...time together." But soon her words and thoughts were being cut off. She was pulled into Otep's arms and was being kissed. She resisted returning those kisses in the beginning. But slowly began to give in to them.